[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
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I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
my fav colour is also hitler
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
How is it still this week?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.