I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!