I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.