Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.