Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.