I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
You Might Also Like
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
OKAY DAD
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯