Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
goldfish mafia
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.