ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees