I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
You Might Also Like
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The dogs are drawn by their screams.