If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
this FaceApp is creepy af
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…