My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*