using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.