Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
rapatouille
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U