the council will decide your fate
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Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.