Posting this on behalf of a friend
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5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My blood type is b hungry.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Wait a minute
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.