Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd