I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh