How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here