Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
You Might Also Like
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.