“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
These work great until they don’t.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?