I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
You Might Also Like
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow