if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.