I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
some cats are just doing for fun!
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?