Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?