Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐