INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I wish this was real life…
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up