If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.