My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.