putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.