dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*