Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Morning my dudes.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one