Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.