What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
He’s cranky this morning
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.