The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
three things we don’t talk about
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
@funTweeters
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.