It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.