spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.