Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Muppet Screams
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.