My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Every photo I’m tagged in
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.