Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
fly smarter, not harder
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me