A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
You Might Also Like
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Breaking news:
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.