Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?