I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.