*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Breaking news:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.