Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
You Might Also Like
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
wait.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”