breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*