Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.