Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You Might Also Like
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
s
oc
i
a
l
Same post same
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
At least he brought enough for everyone
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy