My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
You Might Also Like
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.