we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
This dude got his own movie?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye