Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
#DesignFail
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever